Abuse Is Never the Fault of the Survivor
Oftentimes, the abuser will convince the survivor that they are to blame for what the abuser has done. It's important to understand that this is a common tactic abusers use to keep survivors in their relationship and shift blame.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, and it’s common for survivors to question themselves or feel responsible for the abuse they’ve experienced. The guilty feeling of your abuse being your fault is oftentimes used by the abuser to keep you in the relationship and comply with their demands. It’s crucial to understand that Domestic Violence is never the survivor's fault. The blame lies solely with the abuser, who chooses to act in abusive ways.
To help you see that you are not to blame, here are some reasons why the abuse you experienced was never your fault and why you deserve support, compassion, and understanding as you move forward in your healing journey.
1. You Are Not Responsible for Someone Else’s Choices
​Remember, the abusive behavior is a choice made by the abuser, not you. No matter what you do or say, their decision to act violently or manipulatively is their responsibility. You are not to blame for their actions, and you deserve to be treated with respect and care.
4. Your Fear Is Valid and Reasonable
If you feel you stayed or returned to an abusive relationship out of fear, you thought you were protecting yourself or your loved ones from potential harm. Your actions were based on preserving your safety, and that is not something to be ashamed of. Your instincts to protect yourself are strong and valid. Now, its important to seek help to escape your abuser or stick with staying away from your abuser.
2. You Have Been Caught in a Cycle of Control, Not of Your Making
Domestic Violence is about power and control, and the abuser uses manipulation, fear, and intimidation to create a sense of entrapment. This environment is not something you caused; it’s something the abuser deliberately creates. Acknowledging this can help you see that you were put into a situation that was designed to be difficult to leave.
5. You Were Kept in the Dark About Your Rights and Options​
Many survivors are kept isolated or unaware of the resources and support available to them, making it harder to leave. Abusers will say that "no one will help you" or "no one will believe you", purposely isolating you from the people and resources that you need. This lack of information and isolation is not your fault; it is often another way the abuser tries to control you.
3. You Were Manipulated, Not "Weak" or "Stupid"
Abusers often use tactics like gaslighting to make you doubt your reality, making it harder to recognize abuse or feel deserving of a better situation. These tactics are designed to confuse and disempower you. Realizing this can help you understand that any confusion or self-doubt was a result of their manipulation, not a reflection of your strength or worth.
6. The Actions You Took Were You Trying to Survive​
If you stayed in the relationship or found it hard to leave, it's because you were trying to protect yourself and survive in a challenging situation. You were kept in the relationship purposely and strategically by your abuser. Your choices were guided by a need for safety and preservation, not weakness. You did what you needed to do to endure, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
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If your abuser has guilted you into staying with them because of an action you took that upset them, know that you took that action to survive. This idea of an abuser provoking an action from you and holding it against you so you stay in the relationship is called Reactive Abuse.
The "Power" of Reactive Abuse
Reactive Abuse is when a survivor reacts to an abuser’s constant mistreatment — in ways like yelling, fighting back, or lashing out emotionally — after being pushed to their limit by their abuser. This reaction happens because of the overwhelming stress, fear, and frustration endured by the survivor, and is usually used by the abuser to guilt them into staying with them or to rationalize more abuse.
It’s important to know that being pushed to your limit by an abuser is not your fault and does not make you an abuser. It’s a response to being provoked and manipulated, that is strategically used by abusers to make you feel like your the abuser.
Abusers may use these reactions to keep you from getting help or leaving them. ​If you’ve found yourself reacting in ways that make you uncomfortable or ashamed, remember that your reaction was born out of pain, not malice. Seeking support, whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, can help you process your experiences, heal from the trauma, and reclaim your sense of self. Recognizing reactive abuse for what it is—a symptom of being pushed too far—can be a powerful step in breaking the cycle and finding a path toward safety and healing.