Leaving is Possible
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"Why don't you just leave?"
Leaving an abusive relationship is possible, but it can seem difficult and be different from what other people might believe.
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If you’re in an abusive relationship, you know that ending it may not seem straightforward. However, its incredibly important that you do leave. Here are some tips to help you stay safe and leave as smoothly as possible.
Tips to prepare to leave an abusive relationship
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1. Make a Plan
Before you leave your abuser, decide where you’ll go, even if that's just when you need emotional support. If it’s a trusted friend or family member’s house, make arrangements with them ahead of time and ask them to be discreet. If staying with someone you know isn’t an option, research shelters in your area. Make this plan regardless of if you live with your abuser.
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2. Prepare the Essentials
Keep a grab bag stocked with essentials like extra clothes, toiletries, medications, and money, if needed. Don’t forget important legal documents such as your social security card, birth certificate, ID, passport, insurance information, and other official records. Consider making electronic copies of these documents. Keep these items in a safe place where your abuser won’t find them, or ask a trusted friend to hold them for you. Make this plan regardless of if you live with your abuser.
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3. Document Your Abuse
This can include photographs, correspondence between you and your abuser such as text messages, prior police reports, medical records, or anything else that can corroborate your experiences. Creating an album or folder of these records on your mobile device in a password protected spot after you have left may also be useful.
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4. Protect Yourself and Your Privacy
Block your abuser on all of your media outlets (including social media and accounts such as Venmo, your email, your music provider, etc.), get a new phone number, rent a PO box rather than having things mailed to your home address if you share an address with your abuser, and open new bank accounts and credit cards if your abuser has access to them (preferably at a different bank). If you have any other shared accounts with your abuser, remove yourself from them or stop using them.
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5. Take Legal Recourse
If you feel unsafe, talk to your local police department about a restraining order/Personal Protection Order or other options. This is where it is helpful to have compiled evidence of what has happened between you and your abuser. If you have children or are married, find a custody or divorce lawyer as soon as you’re able to and talk to them about the next steps.
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Remember:
You may still feel that you want to be with your partner while leaving. However, if you think your relationship is abusive, it is important to stick with the decision to leave. Remember, you were without this person before in your life, and you can do it again.
Finding When Leaving May Be More Feasible
Escaping an abusive situation is possible, and you should strive to do it as soon as you can. If you can't physically leave your abuser now, look for windows of opportunity where your abuser might be less likely to be around for extended periods, such as during their work hours, school hours, or when they travel.
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Evaluate if there are moments when their surveillance of you weakens, even slightly. These temporary lulls could give you a crucial window to gather the resources included in your safety plan and slip away.
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The success of your escape plan depends significantly on preparation. Having your bags discreetly packed, important documents gathered, and a secure place established to go to are all essential.
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Most importantly, having trusted people – whether they're friends, family, or professionals – aware of your escape plans and ready to assist you can make a world of difference in your journey to safety.